Letting Go
by GinaDBrewer
Summary: Tony and Ziva are a newly married couple, but their marriage isn't all bliss. When the unexpected happens, the couple will have to lean on each other and the team to find comfort in the hardest challenge they have ever faced, letting go of one of their teammates. Tiva, deathfic
1. Chapter 1

It was a scary thought for Tony little alone his wife that was watching him go through this. Just a few weeks ago Tony thought he had caught some kind of cold and had a really bad cough. With each passing day the cough only got worse until he was coughing up blood. Even then he wasn't going to go to the hospital, but Ziva instead that he go get checked out. Now here they were sitting in the doctor's office looking at the scans and blood work. All which killed every dream they ever had together. They had only been married 3 months, they wanted children together but now all of that was being ripped to shreds. Tony and Ziva both set there in pure shock as they heard the doctor say Stage 4 lung cancer, there was no way of catching it in time. It had already spread to his colon, his prostrate and the scariest of all, his brain. Ziva tried hard to fight back the tears as she held her dying husbands hand. As the doctor talked options and time it just made it more real. He had 3 to 6 months if he was lucky. They could start him on chemo, but at this point it was too far gone and would only make him sicker. The ride home was quiet, neither wanting to give into the realization that he was dying. Once they got home, Tony lied down on the couch trying to get some relief from the cancer that was eating on him. Ziva couldn't stand to just sit at home and watch him die.

"I'm going to the grocery store, do you need anything?" Ziva asked.

"Maybe just some ginger ale." Tony answered.

Ziva nodded and went out to the car. She shut the door and she couldn't take it anymore. She let the tears fall down her cheeks. It wasn't fair. They had been trying to get pregnant, since they both wanted little DiNozzo's. Now she felt like her whole life was over. How were they going to tell the team? What would happen to her after his death? So many questions were left unanswered. She felt guilty. 'If only I would have forced him to go to the doctor earlier than maybe this wouldn't be happening.' She thought. With their lives being in danger everyday, Ziva always figured it would be a bullet that would take Tony down, not damn cancer. He was going to try and fight it. He was scheduled to start chemo in a few days. But Ziva knew in her heart it was pointless to even try. All she knew was she had to love him, while she still had him.


	2. Chapter 2

Ziva couldn't bring herself to even put the car in gear. Grocery shopping would have to wait. The only thing she wanted was to be in the arms of the man she loved. She went running back inside and found Tony lying on the couch.

"You're back already?" Tony asked.

"I couldn't leave you." Ziva said.

She couldn't hold her emotions back any longer. She fell to her knees beside the couch and buried her head in Tony's chest.

"Shhh it's alright, everything is alright. You don't have to worry." Tony said.

Ziva looked up at him with tears in her eyes.

"How am I not supposed to worry? I am losing the love of my life! Once you're gone I am all alone. And then what? I can't go back to work. I cannot endure the pain of going to work and seeing someone else occupy your desk when you are the one who is supposed to be sitting there." Ziva cried.

"I tell you what. Let's lay down and let me show you how I really feel about you." Tony said.

He was so weak but he wanted with everything in him to make love to his wife. If he was going to be terminal and die of cancer, he wanted her to remember just how much she meant to him and how much he loved her.

They held each other after they made love. Tony was too weak to get back out of bed. Ziva ordered his favorite pizza and they ate it in bed while watching his favorite James Bond movie.

The next morning took a toll on Tony. It broke Ziva's heart as she got ready for work. Tony seemed weak and pale. However, he still insisted on getting up and going to work. He said he had a headache which Ziva knew was from the cancer already spreading to his brain.

"Sweetheart you are sick. You need to stay home. Gibbs will understand." Ziva said trying to get Tony to lay back down.

"Gibbs doesn't need to know what's going on. No one does. This is our secret. When I die they will not think much of it. They will move on just as you will." Tony said trying to be the strong one.

"Tony I will always love you and I can't just move on. Neither will the team. You are the glue that holds both our family and our work family together. They need to know." Ziva said.

"When the time is right, we will tell them." Tony insisted.

He then put on his suit and tie and they were out the door.

* * *

Once they got to work Tony's headache got worse. Ziva could tell he was turning very pale. She just wished he would have listened to her this morning.

"We got a dead petty officer near the Potomac. Let's roll" Gibbs said.

Ziva, McGee and Tony grabbed their go bags and headed to the elevator. Tony felt very lightheaded and everything started spinning. Before he knew it everything went black. Ziva turned just as she seen Tony collapse to the floor.

"Tony!" Ziva screamed out.

The team turned at the blood curling scream of Ziva. They found Tony lying on the floor convulsing violently. His poor body shook and jerked. Ziva just wished she could take this away from him.

"What the hell is going on?" Gibbs asked.

"I don't know Gibbs." Ziva lied as she was at Tony's side.

"McGee what are you doing just sitting there. Call an ambulance." Gibbs spat.

Ziva knew what was going on. But for Gibbs this scared the crap out of him. Tony was a young healthy man, why the hell was he having a seizure? Tony started turning blue from the lack of oxygen to his body. Ziva feared this would be the day she lost her husband.

The seizure finally started to slow down by time the paramedics showed up. His heart rate was erratic and they didn't take time to answer questions. They ran with Tony to the ambulance with Ziva running right beside them. As the climbed in the back another strong seizure overtook Tony's body. Ziva couldn't help but cry. She just hoped that he would come back around and be able to stay with her, even if it was just one more day. She held on to Tony's hand as his body jerked. He gasped for air.

"Please Tony, not now. I'm not ready to let go yet." Ziva said wiping away tears as the ambulance made its way to the hospital.


	3. Chapter 3

On the way to the hospital, Ziva sat in the ambulance as she watched her husband's body be taken over by a seizure. Tony started forming at the mouth and his eyes rolled back in his head. With a horrid and last ditch effort, Tony gasped for air. What brought Ziva out of her daze was the shriek of alarms and the sound of a flat line on the machines.

"No Tony, you can't go. You can't leave me. Not yet please." Ziva begged.

"Ma'am I need you to calm down." a paramedic said trying to calm a hysterical Ziva.

"But that's my husband. You have to save him." Ziva screamed.

"We are trying ma'am." The paramedic said before turning and trying to work on Tony.

The other paramedic ripped away Tony's suit and dress shirt and was already starting CPR.

"Dispatch we are heading to Bethesda. I have a 45 year old male having seizures. Let the hospital know that he is crashing here in the ambulance. We have already started chest compression and about to apply the AED." The paramedic said into her radio.

The AED did not seem to be working on Tony which only made Ziva more upset.

"I can't lose him. We have only been married a few months." Ziva cried.

The ambulance raced to the emergency room. Ziva seen on the monitor there was a very faint pulse that had showed back up. She could only hope that that pulse would get stronger.

Once the ambulance pulled under the awning by the emergency room doors, another seizure overtook Tony's body. Ziva hoped that he would not crash again. She went running into the ER with the paramedics only to have Gibbs hold her back from running back there with him.

"Please Gibbs, Tony needs me." Ziva cried.

"No Ziva" Gibbs spun her around "He needs you to be calm."

"He's dying Gibbs and you expect me to stay out here?" Ziva cried.

Gibbs took Ziva into his arms and she laid her head against his chest. His warm embrace helped to soothe her but it would never be like Tony's. No one could ever compare to Tony.

It was quite in the waiting room. The sat and waited for word, any glimmer of hope on Tony. Ziva sat there feeling like she had the weight of the world on her shoulders. She was the only one that knew the truth as to why Tony was here. She pulled out her cell phone and dismissed herself into the hallway. As much as she didn't like the man and despised the way he treated Tony while he was growing up, Ziva called Senior.

"Hello dear how is my favorite daughter-in-law." Senior answered the phone.

Just to hear his voice made her break down in tears.

"Ziva what's wrong?" Senior questioned.

"It's Tony. He's dying." Ziva tried to explain.

"What?" Ziva could hear the shock in Seniors voice. "Was Junior shot? Is he at Bethesda?"

"Yes he's at Bethesda. But no he wasn't shot. It would have been more merciful if he had of been. Just please hurry and get here. I will explain everything then." Ziva cried.

"Alright sweetheart I will be there soon." Senior said.

He couldn't believe it. His son was dying? For Ziva to say it would have been more merciful for him to of been shot, what did Junior get himself into.

'Oh gosh please don't let it be the plague again' Senior thought.

* * *

"Mr. DiNozzo are you with us?" Nurse Shelby asked.

Tony still real drowsy opened his eyes.

"Ziva?" he mumbled.

"No I'm your nurse Shelby. You are at Bethesda. You had a seizure. You tried to get a way from us but we brought you back." Nurse Shelby tried to joke with him, however he didn't find it funny.

"Where's Ziva?" Tony slurred.

"I will go find her." Nurse Shelby said.

Tony's nurse reported to Dr. Pitt and told him that Tony was awake. Dr. Pitt sat at his desk shaking his head at looking at Tony's results.

"He is asking for a Ziva?" Nurse Shelby questioned.

Dr. Pitt sat down the results.

"Yes that's his wife. I will go get her and the rest of the team. To be honest I dread having to break this news to them." Dr. Pitt said running a hand across his face.

As Dr. Pitt stepped out of his office, Shelby looked over the test results on Tony. She gasped when she found what Dr. Pitt was talking about. Tony was in for the fight of his life.

* * *

Senior arrived to the hospital to find the team still sitting, waiting in the emergency room waiting area. His poor daughter-in-law's eyes were swelled from the amount of tears she had shed. She sat bent over with her head in her hands. Abby kept trying to comfort her and tell her Tony was going to be ok, while Gibbs sat with a cup of coffee in one hand, and rubbing Ziva's back with the other.

"How is he?" Senior asked breaking the silence.

The team looked up at the older man. Ziva jumped from her chair and hugged Senior. She broke down into tears once more.

"What's going on with Junior?" Senior questioned again.

Gibbs motioned for Senior to have a seat.

"We don't know much. The doctor hasn't come out and informed us on his condition yet. He was at work and had a seizure. We don't know what caused it." Gibbs answered.

That news caused Senior to take a seat.

"They lost him on the way over here. I just hope he's not gone forever." Ziva cried.

"He's a DiNozzo sweetheart. He won't give up that easily." Senior assured her.

About that time, Dr. Pitt walked into the waiting room.

"DiNozzo family?" Dr. Pitt announced even though he already knew who they were. He had seen the team in here more times then he could count.

"How is he?" Ziva questioned.

"What caused his seizure?" Gibbs demanded.

"Is he going to survive?" Senior worried.

"I think it would be best for all of you to follow me. We can discuss what happened and options." Dr. Pitt said trying himself not to cry.

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	4. Chapter 4

The team followed Dr. Pitt to a quieter room then the ER waiting room. Dr. Pitt wasn't ready to break the news to them. Chances are Tony hadn't had a chance to tell Gibbs how sick he was given he was at work when his first seizure hit.

"Doc, please tell us what is wrong with Tony." Gibbs demanded.

After a long sigh, Dr. Pitt began telling them what was going on.

"Tony has been having headaches for the past 3 weeks. Before that he thought he was coming down with a cold or flu due to coughing a lot. I have called in a neurologist to manage Tony's seizures. But I hate to tell you guys this. Tony has Stage 4 Lung cancer that has already spread to his brain…Tony's terminal." Dr. Pitt said sorrowfully.

"Isn't there something that you can do?" McGee asked.

"Sadly no. There is no benefit in chemo or radiation. Sadly, Tony doesn't have enough time left to be matched into a clinical trial." Dr. Pitt answered.

"How much time does he have left?" Gibbs asked.

"I would say 3 months max. We ran another CT scan on his brain. I did one 3 weeks ago just for good measure. In the first scan it was nothing compared to what showed up today. Tony has 2 tumors on his brain and they have gotten so big that they are inoperable. The tumors are what's causing his seizures. If he survives to 3 months, he will be very lucky." Dr. Pitt explained.

Ziva couldn't believe what she was hearing. She knew Tony had the cancer, but didn't know it was so bad. She started bawling. How could their happy marriage come down to this? Gibbs took Ziva into his arms as she let out the tears she was trying to keep back.

"What can be done for Junior?" Senior asked.

"The only thing we can do is make him comfortable. I am going to suggest to Tony that he sign a DNR. I don't want to see my friend and patient suffer more than he has to. As it gets worse, if he doesn't sign the DNR, then you all will have to make the decision on when to pull his life support. At least this way he wouldn't be brought back to have to suffer more." Dr. Pitt ran his fingers through his hair.

"How can you even say that? How can you call yourself one of his 'friends'? I love him and I can't just watch him die in front of me when I know there is something I can do to help him. He will not be signing that DNR." Ziva screamed.

"Mrs. DiNozzo, that's not your decision to make. It will be Tony's. If he feels that it would be best than he can sign them. If he wants to live out what few days he has left on machines, that is also his choice." Dr. Pitt said trying to calm Ziva down. He tried to put a comforting hand on her shoulder on for Ziva to pull away and give him a go to hell look.

"Can we go see him?" Jimmy Palmer asked.

"Yes but Tony is a very sick man. He may not be awake. We have him on a lot of pain meds to try and keep him comfortable." Dr. Pitt said.

The team followed Dr. Pitt to Tony's hospital room. Tony laid in the hospital bed unnervingly still. He had an oxygen mask on to help him breath since his lungs were so weak. Gibbs was pissed off that Tony didn't tell him anything was wrong with his health. But the fact that Tony was terminal only broke his heart not only for his team but for Ziva.

Ziva sat down next to Tony's bed and held his hand as memories came flooding back to her. Her and Tony had decided life was too short after Dearing bombed NCIS. They had given into their feelings and started dating. On their 6 month anniversary, Tony proposed to her on her birthday. Tony had taken her out for a romantic dinner and got down on one knee beside their table and with a beautiful DiNozzo smile and a diamond ring. Ziva now wished she hadn't of said yes. It may not have been so heartbreaking on her if this was just her work partner laying in the hospital bed dying instead of her husband. On July 5th, they tied the knot with all their work friends surrounding them at their outdoor wedding. Vance and Gibbs was generous enough to give the newlyweds 2 weeks off to enjoy their honeymoon. They spent 2 weeks in Aruba. Needless to say their honeymoon made their act when they were a couple undercover look like child's play. They didn't get to see much of Aruba, unless you consider enjoying each other on the beach. Now here it was October and Tony has cancer. Tears escaped Ziva's eyes as she thought how Tony wouldn't be here for their first wedding anniversary. They wanted kids but now that was totally out of the question. Once Tony was gone, which apparently wouldn't be long, she would be all alone. She wasn't ready to let go of the love of her life.

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	5. Chapter 5

Tony opened his eyes to find Dr. Pitt and Dr. Griffin talking to Ziva and Gibbs about something but he couldn't make out what.

"Tony it's good to see you are awake." Dr. Pitt said "I want you to meet my friend Dr. Griffin. He's an oncologist."

"Hi Tony." Dr. Griffin said.

Tony tried to talk but a sudden coughing fit came out instead.

"Tony, Dr. Pitt has told me that you know about your diagnosis. I hate to be the one to tell you this." Dr. Griffin started but had to pause and try to not make his voice crack. This was a young agent that had so much more to give and yet he was dying. "Tony your terminal. With the way your cancer has spread, I would say 3 months max."

Tony was stunned. It felt like just yesterday when he found out he had cancer. Now he was hit with the news that he was going to die?

"What are the options? Let's do some chemo or radiation. There has to be some type of treatment I can take." Tony suggested.

It broke Gibbs and Ziva's heart to see Tony not want to accept his fate.

"I'm going to be real with you Tony. The treatment will not slow down the cancer progression. You need to consider quality of life over quantity of life. Even if you tried treatment you might get an extra month but it will be hell. You will be sick the whole time and be miserable for that extra month. Or you can accept the possible 3 months and maybe have more good days in the short amount of time." Dr. Griffin tried to explain.

Tony thought for a moment. It only made sense to him.

"I want the treatment. I want to have more days with my wife. It couldn't be any worse than getting sick with Ziva driving." Tony laughed before being thrown into another coughing fit. He was bound and determined he was not giving up without a fight.

"Very well Mr. DiNozzo. We will set up your treatment for this afternoon." Dr. Griffin said.

Once the doctors left the room was quiet. How could Tony choose to make himself sicker when it wasn't going to do any good anyway.

"Why are you going through with this?" Ziva asked.

"I want to be with you, want to be there for you." Tony whispered.

"Tony, what are you talking about?" Ziva questioned. She took his cold hand and held is in hers.

"I know Zee." Tony managed to get out before another coughing fit interrupted his thought.

Ziva looked up at Gibbs hoping he could provide some answers. Gibbs shrugged, there was no telling what Tony was talking about.

Tony finally stopped coughing but he was now exhausted. He laid his head back on his pillow and fell asleep. Ziva and Gibbs were both puzzled at what Tony could have meant. Later that day Tony was taken for his pic line to be inserted. Ziva thought it would be too much on his weak and fragile body to go ahead but Tony insisted that he have his first chemo treatment that day. While he was away for treatment, Ziva thought of what Dr. Pitt had mentioned. He wanted Tony to sign a DNR. It was hard to think if his heart stopped or something happened to him she was just supposed to let him die instead of helping him, giving him cpr. In the ambulance when Tony's heart stopped the paramedics started CPR before trying to shock him back with the AED. It was extremely hard to watch the paramedics pounding on his bare chest, the chest she had laid her head on so many times. The same chest that would comfort her when she was crying or when her and Tony were having conversations about their future plans. Future plans…what future did they have now. From the sound of what the doctors were talking Tony didn't have long. She looked up and a nurse was wheeling Tony back into his room. He looked pale and sickly, more so now than he did when he left the room.

"Here you go Mr. DiNozzo, I hope you get to feeling better." The nurse said handing Tony a blue bag.

'Get to feeling better? What did this nurse know about Tony? Did she think he had the flu or a cold he could get over in a few days' Ziva thought as she rolled her eyes at the nurse's statement. Ziva wondered what the blue bag that looked like the bags you pick up dog poop with was for. Once Tony started throwing up it became very clear, the little blue bag was a barf bag.

With each time the feeling came to Tony it felt like he was puking his guts out and it was taking all the strength he had to try and bring up whatever his body felt was necessary to get rid of. He was hooked up to IV's to make sure he didn't become dehydrated.

"Can't…do this" Tony managed to get out before another wave of sickness took over his body.

To watch him be so sick was awful for Ziva. After about 5 minutes which seemed a lot longer Tony was finally quiet and not gagging. She decided now was as good of a time to ask him as any. She moved closer to his bed rubbed his scruffy face with the back of her hand.

"Tony, I have a question for you." Ziva whispered.

"What's…that?" Tony struggled to get the words out.

"I know you're a very sick man. If for some reason you got worse and there was the decision of letting you go or putting you on a machine, which would you choose?" Ziva asked.

"Let...go" Tony answered before his eyes got so heavy he could barely keep them open.

"You rest, we can talk later." Ziva patted his shoulder before leaning over the bed rails and placing a kiss on his forehead.

A nurse walked in and checked the monitors.

"They gave him some pain medicine before coming back to the room. Sleep is possibly the best thing for him right now." The nurse told Ziva.

As the nurse turned to walk out Ziva caught her.

"If you see Dr. Pitt, have him come down here please. I think we have made a decision in Tony's care." Ziva said trying to hold back the tears.

She didn't want to make the decision, but it was Tony's wishes.

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	6. Chapter 6

"I've talked with Tony. If there is nothing more you can do we want to sign a DNR. I for one am not happy about this, but it is Tony's wishes." Ziva sighed.

"You're doing the right thing. It's better to not let him suffer." Dr. Pitt mentioned.

After that first round of chemo, Tony's body was so weak he could not continue. Against what he really wanted, he decided to discontinue treatment.

"Agent DiNozzo, this is Alana Barron she is with hospice." Dr. Pitt introduced.

"Hello Agent DiNozzo, Mrs. DiNozzo. I wanted to talk to you about some options you have and what we can set you up with. You will have a team of people once you go home including a nurse and home health aides that will come in and work with you, that will give you a bit of a break Mrs. DiNozzo." Alana explained.

"So tell me…how does this work? I get it, I'm dying, but how are you and this hospice thing supposed to make me feel better about the whole process of leaving my wife?" Tony questioned.

"Well we will manage your pain and symptoms, we will assist you with the emotional, psychosocial and spiritual aspects of dying, we will provide you with needed drugs, medical supplies and equipment, and we will provide bereavement care and counseling to your family and friends." Alana answered.

'It was really happening.' Tony thought. 'The end of Tony DiNozzo. Always wanted to go out in blaze of glory or getting shot in the line of duty trying to save someone. Instead it's damn cancer taking me out.'

"If you have any questions please let me know. Upon your discharge, we will start the hospice care." Alana spoke "You will be in great hands and we will help you through this."

When Jimmy got the word they would be placing Tony into hospice, he nearly broke down. He knew a lot of times hospice was pretty much a death sentence. Hell, no more than Stage 4 Lung cancer was though. Jimmy was there the day Tony was released from the hospital. It was heartbreaking to see the indestructible Tony DiNozzo, a guy so much larger than life, be knocked down and barely able to move. Jimmy loaded Tony up into his van and headed to the DiNozzo house. Hospice was waiting for the DiNozzo's once they got home ready to set different things up. Jimmy helped get Tony in the house and Ziva followed closely behind.

"Want to lay down…with Ziva." Tony requested.

Against his better judgement, Jimmy helped Tony up the stairs and changed him into some sweats and an Ohio State shirt before allowing Tony to lay down on the bed. He covered his friend up with the sheet and comforter.

"Sleep well Tony. I'll send Ziva up in a few minutes." Jimmy carded his fingers through Tony's hair.

Before Jimmy could leave the room, Tony was already asleep. Ziva signed for papers to have a hospital bed set up in the den, along with oxygen tanks on standby. It hit her, this was going to be Tony's room for the foreseeable future, or until he died. The thought of Tony dying was almost too much for her. Once everything was signed for, she went upstairs to find her husband sleeping soundly. She kicked off her shoes and crawled in behind him, snuggling up to his back.

"Please don't leave me." She whispered as the tears began to fall.


End file.
